What we keep

2009-11-09T13:43:00.001+08:00

the end

2009-11-05T22:36:00.003+08:00

today I had thoughts on giving up; like running a marathon and allowing flashes on stopping to walk.I've never walked, though I'm not in any place to boast since the furthest I've ran is 10km. But I've never walked. walking is defeat, it's resignation, it's giving up.

But today,unlike other days, I was tired. my body stiff, my mind a useless blank,my soul light.While life is short, it is very long and I'm already tired.

So this weekend is pamper-pam weekend.rejuvenation is key,motivation is a by-product.screw those who scorn at 'splurgers'.how often are we nice to ourselves.how often are people nice to us.

2009-11-02T00:18:00.001+08:00

fading...

Rain

2009-10-17T00:19:00.002+08:00

Not so hot as this for a hundred years.
You were where I was going. I was in tears.
I surrendered my heart to the judgement of my peers.

A century's heat in the garden, fierce as love.
You returned on the day I had to leave.
I mimed the full, rich, busy life i had to live.

Hotter than hell. I burned for you day and night;
got bits of your body wrong, bits of it right,
in the huge mouth of the dark, in the bite of the light.

I planted a rose, burnt orange, the colour of flame,
gave it the last of the water, gave it your name.
It flared back at the sun in a perfect rhyme.

Then the rain came, like stammered kisses at first
on the back of my neck. I unfurled my fist
for the rain to caress with its lips. I turned up my face,

and water flooded my mouth, baptised my head,
and the rainclouds gathered like midnight overhead,
and the rain came down like a lover comes to a bed.

Carol Ann Duffy

blissfully heading nowhere

2009-10-08T23:01:00.009+08:00

there's something beautifully intriguing about stairs; the mystery of what lies above or below, eagerly hoping to find what you hoped to find, anticipating the end yet, not wanting to arrive at it.

stairs.
i want them all around just like books.

via stair porn

thoughts on quitting

2009-10-06T23:00:00.003+08:00

there's still that part of me that fantasizes about being buried by books...

you & me, here ok?

happiness is an espresso con pana

2009-09-13T22:44:00.002+08:00

http://www.happinessimages.blogspot.com

2009-08-30T22:54:00.002+08:00

Dear Miaoster,
you're the only cat i'll ever love. how you wait for me nightly, i'll remember. you'd spring to your feet excitedly. oh miaoster, why did you disappear? for so long, the prints on your fur i remember so clear. did i not make you happy too, my dear miaoster? when the worms infested the void deck, i feared that you miaoster, would be infected. and the food went untouched, the water bowl was full, my miaoster, i was so worried for you. but now that you're back, my ball of fur, miaoster, please don't disappear ever, forever.

i love you,
fat cat

2009-08-19T17:12:00.006+08:00

Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be alright now
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

happiness is a new book in the mailbox

2009-07-29T22:47:00.005+08:00

And this is me trapped. I still am today.

awful dreams

2009-07-17T12:01:00.000+08:00

Last night, there were children jumping off the Singapore Flyer, a giant ferris wheel attraction built to mimick the London Eye. It was a messy sight as I watched from a car passing below the Flyer. Bits of bloody flesh splashed about in mid-air like butchered meat. There, eleven to 12 year olds waited their turn, each contemplating for roughly 3 minutes, stoic-faced, before plunging into deep red fireworks.

Later in the dream, I learnt, from a faceless friend, that those kids were leukemia patients.

though we're far apart, you're always in my heart

2009-06-26T22:55:00.004+08:00

today, i grieve the loss of a childhood companion, and surrender to an end of a prolonged hope for his comeback. but his legacy lives on and when i'm rattly at 80, i won't fail to get up on my feet and sway to "the way you make me feel".

2009-06-18T09:40:00.000+08:00

happiness is a blue dress

now my heart is full

2009-06-12T17:04:00.004+08:00

nas is back and she's brought along some friends ")
thanks nas!
now i need more shelf space and hence, more books...

 now my heart is full
now my heart is full
and i just can't explain 
so i won't even try to

tim tam teddy bears

2009-06-02T22:45:00.002+08:00

looks uncannily like the grandson,
who has developed ballies just like his dad

heavy leeches

2009-05-24T20:38:00.005+08:00

do you believe in soulmates?

last evening, i went swimming in the ocean. and as my head bobbed out of the water, i saw that the horizon was slanted 30 degrees counter-clockwise. and you were lying on the horizon like a hammock suspended in space,your face relaxed, blissful. you turned to look at me, got off your hammock and swam towards me. i see your head and then i dont, i see you and then i dont. where were you and where were you headed? you were not coming closer nor moving further. did i not see you swim towards me?

do you believe in soulmates? i don't.

once, i felt your hand on my calf, you lifted me above the water,yourself buried. i squealed in surprise. the air unsalty and fresh; a pedestal, for once, above all my heavy misery that clung to my bikini like 10-pound leeches. you brought to me a breath of fresh air in a moment of strength and self sacrifice. but i sank back.

the inevitability of gravity. the bitch of sin. i sank back into my black, dark yet familiar ocean. you looked at me expectantly, "did i make you happy?", your eyes asked; your lips reached forward for a kiss of gratitude. yes. yes. but no, it dissipated, like you, too, will dissipate.

i see you and then i don't. you swam back to your hammock, laid on it, smiling. and faded into the sunset.

do you believe in soulmates? i don't.
you make me so happy, so new. but in this ocean, everyone drowns.

2009-05-16T22:11:00.005+08:00

catch a falling star & put it in your pocket
never let it fade away
catch a falling star & put it in your pocket
aave it for a rainy day

2009-05-14T23:36:00.003+08:00

爱恨消失前，用手温暖我的脸
为我证明我曾真心爱过你

hong kong this time

2009-05-10T22:21:00.021+08:00

so we were away for a good 7 days. don't recall ever being to an asian holiday destination for such a prolonged period of time with my family before. and to be honest, i was afraid we might bite each others' heads off. but it was better than expected. although, i almost bit some heads when mom decided to settle for some dodgy looking malaysian cuisine instead of being adventurous and looking for the famous chilli crab under the bridge in mongkok. turns out, chilli-crab-under-the-bridge is NOT in mongkok but in wanchai. imagine if i made them search, i'd be headless. u know how they say mothers seem to know it all. jyah. so there were no surprises, hong kong IS all about eating and shopping so we didnt try to do anything too funky like wax museums or disney lands.

we went to this modern toilet restaurant in sz for dinner. as the name suggests, the theme was.. well, toilets. usually, what goes in and what comes out don't go very well together but i guess we were all tired from walking and hence, agreeable on potentially ruining our appetites as long as we had somewhere to sit, even if it meant toilet bowls. so this is mom and her nasty looking friend with things leaking out his nose. halfway through the meal, we burst out laughing at the sight of our parents spooning their tom yum soup from a toilet bowl the size of a steamboat pot. see how vulnerable a tired man can become. hurhur. after the meal, dad shot us a NO DESSERTS look for fear of what chocolate ice-cream might look like here.

at the malaysian restaurant where i was ready to bite!

entertaining ourselves at the shopping centre next to laforet, beverly something when the shops weren't open yet

delighted to eat crepes right after japanese pizza & pasta for dinner!

seafood in china!!
and i tell u,some of the prawns were already dead.

that was that. hong kong is like a suitor; tirelessly throwing in little surprises & gifts in pursuit of this heart already sold to someone else. in many ways, she resembles the love of my life yet much of what is lacking is what matters. nonetheless, she still caused severe vacation-withdrawal symptoms the moment i place my foot on spick & span sunny island.

2009-05-07T10:16:00.002+08:00

getting used to you getting used to life without me

staring

2009-04-22T16:53:00.003+08:00

all i did was stare at a still photo of you and your pals playing the fool.you were sitting on a baggage trolley,looking real serious, like driving a Ferrari in an F1 race. it cracks me up each morning i turn on my laptop in the office. all i did was stare and i remember how your skin feels, i stare and i remember what your face smells like. the texture of your hair on my fingers; hair on your head whom we call nub nub, hair on your legs as i smooth my hands across them while you drive. i remember because i memorised each sensation, each scent... it cracks me up each morning i turn on my laptop in the office; each morning i restrain the tears from overflowing, staring.

2009-04-20T22:39:00.000+08:00

FUCK THIS SHIT
DEATH IS NIGH

virgin run

2009-04-17T15:13:00.018+08:00

Completing 5.6k is harder than I thought, especially with the irregular terrain which, I suspect, enticed them to choose the route over a flat one to make up for the relatively shorter distance compared to other runs held throughout the year. Anyhooves, there were many curves and swerves, hills and tunnels, it felt like boot camp. and of course, there were alot more people walking in this race, unlike others in which only serious runners sign up for.

we started late at the esplanade, found ourselves on the wrong side of the road, receiving dirty looks from traffic police that read "no jaywalking". so we ran from our actual start line, backwards to one fullerton, found ourselves at the tail end of the 10,000 lot, meandered to the front, and started about 7 min late.we continued to meander for what seemed like forever before being rudely surprised by the 1km flag. while others claim it was a scenic route, all i remember seeing was the back of others' shirts reading "julius bar" (it's not a typo, check it out), "UBS", "Barclay's Team", "PricewaterhouseCooper", it was a parade. and all i remember hearing or chose to hear as i encountered each upward slope was "...that britney's shameless..you want a piece o' me..." (not that i dig britney, i just couldn't run to clay aiken. but thanks anyways for your nano, binx).

finally, FINALLY, the majestic glow of the 5km flag, swaying in the wind in all its glory showed up tiny in the distance. i thought, 600m was nothing relative to all the 5k i ran so i picked up pace not realising IT WAS SHIT. 200m into it and i was a punctured tyre. i saw the F1 pits - our end point; where good beer, better music and fresh clean clothes await my return like the prodigal's son. but like every meritocratic environment, i had to work for my reward - they added a friggin slope at the last u-turn.

don't get me wrong, i did enjoy my virgin run and will continue to do our 5k weekly training (which seems a whole lot shorter now than what we did yesterday). but i guess it makes a difference when you know where you're headed, know how much you've done,how much you still have to do and where the slopes are. next run, i promise to memorise the route.

after the run, in the VIP tent

bird angry that she couldn't find james/
janice wanting to see if she still looked decent

and of course, what is a run without a treat? we had kenny rogers!
chant with me "mac&cheese!mac&cheese!"

2009-04-14T21:36:00.002+08:00

dear God,

where the fuck are You?


love, 
pam

in their laughter i shed a tear

2009-04-13T23:26:00.006+08:00

there was coffee, magazines and wind in our hair

we love each other so much, we met on a sunday
we see each other so much, our mother-in-laws are in sync
we're even starting to have the same hair.

corporate challenge up next-160409,1800h,the padang

love will keep us alive

2009-04-09T11:57:00.006+08:00

so we try to have these fornightly sessions to keep us from drowning or worse, becoming robots.

jad's farewell without jad cuz he was late from being lost
he went to timbre "old school", as in SMU
hurhur.

TLC breakfast...

2009-04-08T14:17:00.001+08:00

...to chase away tuesday blues

grandma

2009-03-27T17:52:00.002+08:00

a lonely wooden stool stood
tall and ready on the bathroom floor
lit only by a line of light
from a broken pane it creeped in
to grace this day.

algae trimmings run along
the tiles, the tub, the walls
a towel hung across the ceiling pipes
into a tight knot
rusty dots spot the mirror
where she would watch herself

climb onto the lonely wooden stool
who served her in the garden, by the phone
in her bedroom, kitchen, bathroom
only this time, she would fall;
end it all

still

2009-03-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

Notte Sento (English subtitles) from napdan on Vimeo.
film made with 4500+ stills
courtesy of lelove

snail mail

2009-03-19T11:12:00.016+08:00

yesterday was a good day. The brown box on the table in my dark room was like a beam of light in my storm. I had to gasp for breath and pass the camera to becky who very obligingly snapped away while I tore the box apart in excitement.the books i ordered 20 days ago arrived! : ) sigh, the magic of snail mail. nevermind it being slow, it's worth the wait because snail mails always know when you have shit weeks and pull the abracadabra on you.

6 penguin great ideas and Cao XueQin's the story of the stone

support world literacy (& snail mail):

every person's eye deserves to be open to the world of knowledge

http://www.betterworldbooks.com

since he was just here

2009-03-18T18:04:00.004+08:00

Do you ever think about me
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep
In the middle of the night when you awake
Are you calling out for me
Do you ever reminisce
I can't believe I'm acting like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss

Do you ever ask about me
Do your friends still tell you what to do
Everytime the phone rings
Do you wish it was me callin' you
Do you still feel the same
Or has time put out the flame
I miss you
Is everything ok

- 6,8,12, Brian McKnight

i held on as tightly as you held onto me

2009-03-13T23:34:00.001+08:00

because you might like this song...

2009-03-13T17:40:00.002+08:00

do you still care?

i can't hear you from here

i need to hear your heartbeat again

a tribute to my crazy dreams

2009-03-11T21:52:00.002+08:00

2009-03-11T21:19:00.000+08:00

拥有你我的世界才能完美

2009-03-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

i wanna sleep forever
so the pain will disappear

2009-03-06T21:55:00.002+08:00

有缘千理来相会

想念你

2009-03-02T22:28:00.002+08:00

想念你的笑
想念你的外套
想念你白色袜子
和你身上的味道
我想念你的吻
和手指淡淡烟草味道
记忆中曾被爱的味道

味道，辛晓琪

rose for sketchbooklabel

2009-02-23T21:49:00.001+08:00

tomorrow

2009-02-16T22:16:00.002+08:00

tomorrow,
the sun won't rise
birds will stay put in their nests
rushing waves will fight the tides,
silently blending into ocean's ends

the winds will still
the rivers cease to flow
silence will sink heavy on us
and you and i won't know that

you would not wake and i would not stir
stones like our hearts will fail to fear
i would not speak nor would you hear
tomorrow, when the end is near

survivor tocantins

2009-02-13T22:11:00.001+08:00

tonight, 2300h, channel 5

untitled

2009-02-08T22:07:00.002+08:00

paint me pink, o queen of passion.
draw the wild breeze of day unto us
and after, the still of night
unto my racing soul.

it finds no rest till it finds you,
no pleasure till it lays warm
in your bosom.

and again, queen o'passion, again,
tear down these walls of inhibition,
enter as you may,
unleash and
set me free

quarter life

2009-01-27T22:43:00.002+08:00

quarter life. it means i've lived one fourth of my life, or 25 years (assuming i live to a good 100 years). it both scares and comforts me. while i gazed at my ceiling in painful insomnia last night, i thought about this life that i was going to continue living. in the first quarter, up till midnight tonight, i call it soak, where all that i can learn and experience from school, books or people, i absorb.

in the second quarter, in which i will enter in less than an hour, i call it build, where all that i've soaked up in the first quarter, i use to build the next part of my life, keeping in mind that this will result in the harvest i get in the 3rd quarter, which i would like to call reap. and finally, in the last quarter, i'll enjoy.

i'm comforted that all that i could do in my first 25 years, i've done. pursued my education to some decent level, found my homeland, met some of the most amazing people, seen some of the greatest places and artworks...but the apprehension comes in how im going to use what i've learnt to build the rest of my life.what was i going to build?i caught a glimpse of myself at 60 and not having done what i wanted to do; regretting choices i've made...and learning that it's too late.

tis the season to be jolly...what happened?

2008-12-28T17:55:00.005+08:00

the wannabe punk rocker, the japanese doll and the ghost.
once upon a time, they were happy.

then the sacred gui hua beancurd spilled on the wannabe punk rocker
and triggered a series of bad omens.
-the end-

2008-12-26T00:28:00.002+08:00

...

if everything could ever feel this real forever,
if anything could be this good again

...

nobag

2008-12-16T20:41:00.003+08:00

OMG!so the winner of survivor gabon has been revealed. and im staying away from the papers cuz straits times was schtupid enough to reveal the winner even BEFORE the finale this friday, 3pm -live telecast and 11pm - repeated telecast, only on 5. all thanks to pb, i've been saved from spoilt fun.

one of the things that has been keeping me going is survivor. you can learn alot from survivor; human behavior, how losers and winners behave, politics (which can come in handy for those facing corporate pressures in these *** times, it's jinxed to say the word). i try to see my work place like a survivor set. i have my alliances *wink* survivor IS my work-life balance. hur hur.

so the lowdown of this season of survivor is that this bunch of losers who couldnt get along from the start, showed no teamwork, lost all their team matches only to return to camp to wallow in self pity, decided after 20 days that "gee, why dont we form an aliance with each other". so they did. and then they started to vote all the cool, good guys out till the final 7 was 80% losers with one super damn cute i-want-him-as-granddad good guy left...watch the finale!

im so excite! i hope granddad bob wins!

gesture

2008-12-13T23:14:00.004+08:00

you could place the palm of your hand on the bare skin of her lap and it could only mean the demand for attention. or the palm could be pressed onto someone else's bare-skinned lap and send the warmth of affection through her flesh. either way, they seem like the same gesture, only they mean different emotions to you. but to her?

how important is it to distinguish one gesture from another to avoid misunderstood intentions?

a gesture easily misunderstood is a gesture that oughts most to be distinguished; better yet, avoided. will we then be so conscious of gestures misunderstood that they are better off internalised?

i want to feel the palm of your hand on my lap. but whose else's laps have those palms pressed? and whose others' were they placed?

what do your gestures mean?

betterworld books

2008-12-13T22:58:00.004+08:00

the books have FINALLY arrived!
today marks the 3rd week since i purchased them,
imagine the anticipation.


friends, purchase your books from betterworldbooks.com
and support world literacy.

D&D

2008-12-11T21:23:00.005+08:00

they say we weathered the storm and we smiled in the face of tribulations.

ladies and gents, the trade team.

and these are the beautiful people who keep me going at work

bird, hsing, jad

maymay,bird,bernie,reece

more photos on facebook
(bird, get an account for crying out loud)

2008-12-09T21:43:00.003+08:00

everybody together...

hai!

majide!

the things we do when we get together,
when we DO get together.
more of these please...

mondays

2008-12-06T23:34:00.005+08:00

mondays are shit and toilet cubicles are my secret hideouts; like a slip-out alley from the main streets, a diagonal swerve from a cheetah's straight chase. here i find myself sitting on a toilet seat amidst 3, sometimes 5 skeltering cockroaches. the world continues to run outside my cubicle walls; a lady brushing her teeth after lunch, toilet gossips, the thunderous pour of diarrhoea next door. and time freezes, the work waits, my boss waits...

till i unfreeze time with the zip of my skirt & the flush of the toilet bowl.

this was written on a monday sometime in june.this monday will be different with the hari raya holiday.thank god for a multi-racial singapore.

忽然之间

2008-11-29T22:40:00.001+08:00

忽然之间天昏地暗
世界可以忽然什么都没有
我想起了你再想到自己
我为什么总在非常脆弱的时候怀念你

我明白太放不开你的爱太熟悉你的关怀
分不开想你算是安慰还是悲哀
而现在就算时针都停摆就算生命像尘埃
分不开我们也许反而更相信爱

如果这天地最终会消失
不想一路走来珍惜的回忆没有你

congratulations on your 6th season

2008-11-25T22:33:00.001+08:00

visit http://sketchbooklabel.livejournal.com for more

2008-11-23T23:49:00.002+08:00

breathe out so i can breathe you in
again
and again
and again.

can you die of a carbon dioxide o.d.?

be-drugged

2008-10-02T23:33:00.002+08:00

drug me.
put ur finger in my drink and
drug me.
tear the bones off my skin and
drug me.
jab your words through my head and
drug me.
dig me up from my grave and
drug me.
pierce your lips into my neck and
drug me.
tattoo your name across my back and
drug me.
drug me.
drug me.
drug me.
then whisper in my ear that you love me.

2008-10-02T22:56:00.002+08:00

more and more, i feel less and less.

2008-09-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

please

stitches

2008-08-28T10:30:00.002+08:00

In the light, you can see my stitches.
Come closer and
you might find some loose ends.
Pick and unpick on them,
at your pace.

From my temple down the sides of my face.
My neck to my chest
around my breast,
keep going along the contours of my waist.
Bump against my hip bone
more pronounced than before,
spiral down the concentricity of my thighs,
look, they tried to make it hurt even more.

Don’t hold back, no bleeding occurs here;
Not anymore.
Keep picking and unpicking.

Flip me open, my heart still thumps,
those lungs, though stained with nicotine
still pumps. Pumps.
Eye my breakfast through my gut,
Alright.
Enough.
Now sew me up.

measure

2008-08-22T10:11:00.001+08:00

Emotional expectations: 3 metres, 500 kilograms, 5 hours…
Will it then be easier to control them?
When are they too short? Too heavy? Too long?
When should i turn around and walk away?

5 hours.Beneath 3 metres.On 500 kilograms.
I will wait.

the things that keep me alive at work

2008-07-30T14:21:00.000+08:00

2008-07-29T23:27:00.001+08:00

currently reading:

belongings

2008-07-07T00:08:00.002+08:00

they're talking
they're shouting
maybe they're just screwing

they're laughing
they're kissing
and im just out here waiting

for my turn

with this second-class feeling.

dada

2008-07-02T22:00:00.004+08:00

"...Get rid of your wife. Give up your mistress. Give up your hopes and your fears. Sow your children out in the woods. Give up the substance for the shadow. Give up your easy way of life, and that which passes for a job with a future. Take to the roads."

- andre breton, 1923

find me the courage.

cat

2008-06-23T12:07:00.001+08:00

I’m an ugly cat.
I sit at your door and wait
for you to love me.

tentativity

2008-06-16T22:44:00.004+08:00

increasingly,
i've been diminishing in think and feel,
only the tentative.
the dog who never catches its tail
am i running for nothing?

or nothing runs from me.
as i try to paint the colour back
to your pictures of white and black
your pictures linger to remind me...

tentatively

nations unite

2008-06-10T22:04:00.005+08:00

the nations united again without zhui
cuz he was "servicing his clients", thank you very much.
and it seems, i have become pa-mars-wala republic.

because the earthlings couldnt stop laughing at my alien pass
which permitted my entrance into earth.

to all aliens, required for earth pass:
- 1 x bad hair day
- 1 x bad photo-cropping skills
- 1 x earthling name (e.g. jonathan lee)
thank you very much ::bows::

Danae

2008-06-03T23:22:00.004+08:00

she was fair and soft and had long auburn hair. auburn, that's what they call it. i would call it gold satin, that perhaps Zeus while impregnating her left them wet with gold rain. but i wouldn't, like Zeus did. so i did what i could.

and a light broke from her skin and illuminated the night sky.

Zeus was not pleased, she was.

我心还在...

2008-05-24T22:10:00.004+08:00

i carry a city in my chest while i waste away in my daydreams.

creeds

2008-05-18T22:04:00.003+08:00

you believe in coffee grounds,
tea-cup omens, gambler's chance:
i believe in your eye's dance.

you believe in fairy tales,
dreams and lucky days or ill:
i believe the lies you tell.

you believe in some vague God,
a special Saint who guards you here,
for so much sin, just so much prayer.

i believe in coloured hours
blue and rose, when your delights
are bared for me through sleepless nights.

in all that i believe, my faith
is so profound, so deep, so true,
that i can only live for you.

-paul verlaine

film

2008-05-18T11:30:00.003+08:00

she was a shell.she laid half-dressed on the desk,her body's inability to enjoy she who yearned to pleasure her, was not usually her. the nervous sensations were impulses not transmitted to the brain to be etched as a memory encapsulating a moment of intimacy and passion. instead, they remained like a film; watched from a distance, her involvement but a role she played. but it was not like that. not really. not when the shell was un-empty.

regret would have her watch the film in her head, wishing it was her.

happy mom's day

2008-05-11T20:45:00.006+08:00

i want to be...

2008-04-29T22:56:00.004+08:00

gregory colbert- from the 'ashes and snow' exhibition

only some can break into that space that separates man from animal,
others live like elites.

and i am excited about the zoo!

the night is a secret well

2008-04-17T21:53:00.005+08:00

the night is a secret well.
no tampered space nor trace be found
for sunlight scatters the scent that dwells
in echoes warm and quick to hollow out.

while shriveled in my sleep i felt
the quiver of sullen air around,
the tender of the streams that melt
into my skin. dark walls surround

my frightful soul awakes with doubt:
why you would take me whole, engulfed
then disappear at dawn-break's sound
oh night, you're a secret well.

exam week

2008-04-14T23:51:00.003+08:00

i have my book, my coffee and my cigarettes;
i am ready to conquer the world.

i'm not here

2008-04-09T23:33:00.006+08:00

like forest trees and lush greens
in cityscapes of concrete
the mind, a stranger to
what i read

the heart is absent where i sleep
and eat

she went for a walk and won't be back

says me

last days in smu

2008-04-07T23:45:00.006+08:00

girls, EDA, no make that school, wouldn't have been possible without you.
the hong kong guest stars becoming extras in this almost tear-jerking shot of departure...

and these are last days but not end days.

trouble-d

2008-03-28T00:48:00.004+08:00

i feel troubled. and i usually can't pin-point the cause. perhaps i am tired and nerved by my inherent need to be compulsively clean in spite of the time which led to my quarter-of-an-hour long shower. i could be troubled by other less important things like my deadlines encircling 10 page reports or my nagging conscience at my decision to skip class tomorrow morning. anyhow, i am troubled.

and when i am troubled, i shut the world out; kind of like punishing trouble himself, locking him in so he won't go infecting others by making a scapegoat out of busy and therefore less attentive boyfriends or concerned therefore naggy mothers. trouble is sneaky like that.

but somehow it does work on him, this lock-in. disseminates him, vaporises him and perhaps, then absorbs him. and when accumulated to a fairly sizeable volume, i could become trouble himself, humanised.

i dream of shanghai

2008-03-24T22:18:00.004+08:00

she's my muse. her tender fair
skin wrapped under her cheong sam,
tight. swaying her hips like
they were playing the song.

she's my muse. her contoured, round
form draped under her night wear,
loose. swaying her hips like
they were yelling my wrong.

she's my muse. her gentle, sweet
kiss on my cheeks like moonlight,
warm. bouncing around like
they were tracing my soul.

she's my muse. her intense, strong
tug on my waist like deep roots,
firm. holding me still like
they were keeping me home.

shame

2008-03-17T22:35:00.005+08:00

he entered like a stranger
no sense that he knew her
and crept around
till he was found,
she held him close to her bosom.

he knew he'd find
her ties won't bind;
those chains were loose
so he could choose
to shame her with him inside her.

he shamed her with him inside her.

maternal strength

2008-03-13T15:07:00.004+08:00

we climbed till we were 70 storeys above sea level. the ocean below, still as concrete, like the sky upturned beneath. the metal barrier stood thin and unsure, served only to draw a line between us and the infinite vacuum that would not extend its assistance should the barrier fail to hold us. peering down till the stretch in our necks bridged the blood-flow to our heads, she said, i am going for a swim. my objections drowned in the silence of space while she crossed the barrier-line, suspended from her arms till she was an arch, and released.

i watched as her form was first head, body and legs. and like a series of still pictures, she shrank in size and blurred in detail. until she was merely the colour of her dress, white. yet she was still shrinking and was the only fragmented movement in the oblivious vacuum.

finally she punched a tiny dent in the ocean, her body spread out within it. her white camouflaged into the ocean's white, separated from the jet black her hair left as the only evidence that she was there. stuck, not floating. almost deathly unmoving.

but like my palm, she flipped. grinned and waved a fidgeting speck of life.

osmose

2008-03-11T22:38:00.003+08:00

it was cold and they were two, motionless more than stranded on an island.at arms length, they were alone. it didn't matter that they were friends, or strangers in the crowd, for their eyes would not meet nor their soul nod in silent understanding. and the rain would crash like waves on rocks, on the foundation beneath their feet. and soak and suck their way through leather, skin and bones, drenching and drying till their toes fold into flaccid creases.and it would be that water could penetrate their skin with far greater ease than the words spoken between them, bouncing off like rubber on glass, shot into infinite space,plunging to the ground. never heard. never understood.if only my words would fall like rain, she thought, silently.

birthdays,birthnames,names

2008-03-10T22:19:00.011+08:00

happy belated birthday babe! u are most special... ok, i know this wasnt taken on your birthday but we will take a proper birthday pic when i meet you for dinner k?!

speaking of birthdays, i was reminded of my birth name over a name brainstorming session with huiwen this afternoon. she has name troubles especially when she meets kan-tang (potato), non-bilingual singaporeans who have so much difficulty pronouncing hway-when. so she has to christen herself with an easy to pronounce english name that isnt too girly cuz that's not her. so...the most creative me came up with HUIWORM! surely that's alot easier, considering there's a mental picture they can relate to.

anyhooves, this song is dedicated to the one-year-old me, for being michelle for a year.

Michelle, ma belle
These are words that go together well
My Michelle

Michelle, ma belle
Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble
très bien ensemble

I love you, I love you, I love you
that's all I want to say
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that you'll understand

- Michelle, The Beatles

observations of a religious artist

2008-03-03T16:54:00.002+08:00

The morning booms with gospel songs
or a lady shouting ‘Amen!’.
He sits at the dining table, softly chanting
verses that may make perfect sense

in a different language, another life
of which he may enjoy,
his religion, yes, his God-sent talent;
the love, peace and joy.

His dark blue bible, good as new
in English and Mandarin,
has, slipped between thin-crisp pages,
painting print-outs by Klimt.

It seems
as he hangs his head in silent obedience
as he lifts his hands in praise,
the words and thoughts are neck deep
“I will love You all my days”.

the smu-difference is no different

2008-02-26T00:21:00.008+08:00

it IS the midterm BREAK. of course, we should've known by now what that means isn't a sunny holiday in koh samui or a budget-breaking skip along the streets of hong kong (why does being broke suddenly sound enticing?). it still means school work, deadlines, tests and project meetings. which brings me to bitterly bitch about the structure of our courses nowadays in smu. yes, it used to be different; project work instead of lecture-tutorial style of teaching, more interaction between students and professors and all that fancy mancy terms to describe hold-you-by-the-throat timetables. but now, it is all that and more. i am appalled by the lightly weighted 5% project work which doesn't, unfortunately, translate to lightly weighted workload. and modules that are filled with these components (i mean, professors DO have to make the entire course worth 100% afterall). the reason i have had sleepless nights from week 1-7 of my final school term is so i can have a well-deserved BREAK, for crying out loud. but it is still back to school on a monday morning, miserably murmuring under my breath about how tragic it is to be back while everyone else is actually BREAK-ing.

not.

everyone's there. doing the same 5% crap as i am (ok, maybe theirs is 20%?).there is no point. haven't we all been whining about our education system since we were 8?

what "difference" does smu make?

the wish to be alone.

2008-02-23T00:28:00.004+08:00

and soon it will all crash in on me.
it is they cease or i perish

or the bliss of death allayed pain

blue

2008-02-20T23:55:00.003+08:00

THE BLUE GUITAR
The man bent over his guitar,
A shearsman of sorts. The day was green.

They said, ‘You have a blue guitar,
You cannot play things as they are.’

The man replied, ‘Things as they are
Are changed upon the blue guitar.’

And they said then, ‘But play, you must,
A tune beyond us, yet ourselves,
A tune upon the blue guitar
Of things exactly as they are.’

-wallace stevens

2008-02-15T01:19:00.002+08:00

Beyond all this, the wish to be alone.

-adapted from wants by philip larkin

With That She Smiled

2008-02-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

jagged tears on calender pages
silence in the hovering air sinks
stacked away her fading pictures
the tv in its constant running

three times three
that's nine grandchildren
third son's first is two years older
when will she be back from melbourne
it don't matter, as long as it's worth

her curves and creases
deepening as her fading pictures
with which her stories like echoes sing
and i'd still be listening

my old letters

2008-02-09T01:22:00.000+08:00

i bought a new book.and when i buy new things,i tend to try tidy up my mess; dig out the old stuff,organise it.maybe it's my form of making way for the new?so i chose to tidy up my box of letters without knowing how far back they date.there were those from friends,best friend (sung, your pile was the highest!all our aerograms!),enemy (i found one hate letter),lovers,secret and not so secret admirers,crushes,penpals,angels and mortals... in a moment, i was 5 then 7,13 then 17.i was first at 395 bukit timah road then 68 jalan girang, 93 seletar hills then 1 duke street...

how far have i travelled?how long have i been?

24 years.

compressed in an hour.

i laughed and teared,sighed and giggled.squirmed and squealed,gaped and baffled.
some moments i wish i did better, some that "-ed" won't appear.

but at the end,i always find myself
here.
having to stabilize myself in reality.

reunion dinner

2008-02-06T23:33:00.000+08:00

while teh gao tells me to not spoil cny for him,i cant help but lament about how pretentious and political this "festive season" is (was).but politics and pretense for me, ceased with the death of ah gong on 2nd november 2005.those who cared for the tangibly meaningless,albeit powerful,allow for his life to linger on in them.as such, this is my reunion dinner tribute to him.

salad art
(no it's not supposed to look like ah gong...)

2008-02-02T00:15:00.000+08:00

boundaries, always boundaries, and the longing for infinite space.

- jeanette winterson

how many idle seniors can u fit in a kia picanto?

2008-01-31T00:56:00.000+08:00

our banner

before the preliminary battle

of which we squeezed 26 tiny girls into the car, not knowing someone else would beat our record with 27.
so we mobilised all the other tiny girls we knew

and we were going to win!

and so we did...with 29 ppl in the car! (of course,this isnt full force)
voted: most exciting thing i did in smu

so many words

2008-01-27T01:19:00.000+08:00

dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
(ss
hmph)

dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
dwb dwb,
(sss
hmmph)

grlb hmmph

hmmph

(shh
mmm

hmmph)

i've got to go

2008-01-20T23:26:00.001+08:00

breathe out, so i can breathe you in...hold you in...

shanghainese mahjong

2008-01-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

because kenny wanted to watch the 9pm chinese drama on tv so we had to rotate the table 180degrees clockwise.of course, the more efficient way was to take our chips tray out and put it back at our new seat.so that's us trying to fix the chips tray back, twist and push.

上海 gathering

2008-01-14T20:12:00.000+08:00

the shanghainese came over for dinner on friday and like boys who gather and talk about their army days, we spoke of shanghai again lovingly; remembering her smell and beauty, her voice and taste.of course, we never fail to laugh at ronald...

one night, on our way to attica, ronald got real pissed off at the cab driver for taking us in circles. so after giving him a piece of his mind, we had one real angsty ronald in the front seat. as we were approaching our destination, the cab driver asked "现金还是刷卡？” (cash or ezlink card?) and ronald immediately replied curtly "走直！” (go straight!).

trees

2008-01-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

they stand
abreast
in mingled
order,
firm and
strong
tall
and
long
and cast
a dark
air
still
and
cool.
our
gaze of
awe
will
render
them
order
like
trees in
a forest
lack
appeal.

but close
your
eyes
and
do
not stare
at their
physique,
angled
contours.
you
will
find
you
hear them
there
wrapping
around
each
other,
like
lovers
in the
forest.

reunited

2008-01-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

reunited and it feels so good
reunited cuz we understood
there's one perfect fit and sugar
this one is it
we five (zhui where the hell are u?) are so excited cuz we're
reunited hey hey...
- reunited, peaches and herb

i am two

2008-01-03T23:36:00.001+08:00

sometimes i am a cat
sometimes i'm a ferret
my paws change to claws
my long slender legs become short
the point in my ears
sometimes smooth themselves out
into curves
my nose sniffs the fish that satisfies
to find
i dont always enjoy it
i am still the same i am
but i never know when, it's too hard
i wish i were one

2008-01-01T01:59:00.000+08:00

it is time