the end
9.11.09
5.11.09
today I had thoughts on giving up; like running a marathon and allowing flashes on stopping to walk.I've never walked, though I'm not in any place to boast since the furthest I've ran is 10km. But I've never walked. walking is defeat, it's resignation, it's giving up.
But today,unlike other days, I was tired. my body stiff, my mind a useless blank,my soul light.While life is short, it is very long and I'm already tired.
So this weekend is pamper-pam weekend.rejuvenation is key,motivation is a by-product.screw those who scorn at 'splurgers'.how often are we nice to ourselves.how often are people nice to us.
But today,unlike other days, I was tired. my body stiff, my mind a useless blank,my soul light.While life is short, it is very long and I'm already tired.
So this weekend is pamper-pam weekend.rejuvenation is key,motivation is a by-product.screw those who scorn at 'splurgers'.how often are we nice to ourselves.how often are people nice to us.
2.11.09
17.10.09
Rain
Not so hot as this for a hundred years.
You were where I was going. I was in tears.
I surrendered my heart to the judgement of my peers.
A century's heat in the garden, fierce as love.
You returned on the day I had to leave.
I mimed the full, rich, busy life i had to live.
Hotter than hell. I burned for you day and night;
got bits of your body wrong, bits of it right,
in the huge mouth of the dark, in the bite of the light.
I planted a rose, burnt orange, the colour of flame,
gave it the last of the water, gave it your name.
It flared back at the sun in a perfect rhyme.
Then the rain came, like stammered kisses at first
on the back of my neck. I unfurled my fist
for the rain to caress with its lips. I turned up my face,
and water flooded my mouth, baptised my head,
and the rainclouds gathered like midnight overhead,
and the rain came down like a lover comes to a bed.
Carol Ann Duffy
You were where I was going. I was in tears.
I surrendered my heart to the judgement of my peers.
A century's heat in the garden, fierce as love.
You returned on the day I had to leave.
I mimed the full, rich, busy life i had to live.
Hotter than hell. I burned for you day and night;
got bits of your body wrong, bits of it right,
in the huge mouth of the dark, in the bite of the light.
I planted a rose, burnt orange, the colour of flame,
gave it the last of the water, gave it your name.
It flared back at the sun in a perfect rhyme.
Then the rain came, like stammered kisses at first
on the back of my neck. I unfurled my fist
for the rain to caress with its lips. I turned up my face,
and water flooded my mouth, baptised my head,
and the rainclouds gathered like midnight overhead,
and the rain came down like a lover comes to a bed.
Carol Ann Duffy
8.10.09
blissfully heading nowhere
there's something beautifully intriguing about stairs; the mystery of what lies above or below, eagerly hoping to find what you hoped to find, anticipating the end yet, not wanting to arrive at it.
6.10.09
thoughts on quitting
there's still that part of me that fantasizes about being buried by books...
you & me, here ok?
30.8.09
Dear Miaoster,
you're the only cat i'll ever love. how you wait for me nightly, i'll remember. you'd spring to your feet excitedly. oh miaoster, why did you disappear? for so long, the prints on your fur i remember so clear. did i not make you happy too, my dear miaoster? when the worms infested the void deck, i feared that you miaoster, would be infected. and the food went untouched, the water bowl was full, my miaoster, i was so worried for you. but now that you're back, my ball of fur, miaoster, please don't disappear ever, forever.
i love you,
fat cat
you're the only cat i'll ever love. how you wait for me nightly, i'll remember. you'd spring to your feet excitedly. oh miaoster, why did you disappear? for so long, the prints on your fur i remember so clear. did i not make you happy too, my dear miaoster? when the worms infested the void deck, i feared that you miaoster, would be infected. and the food went untouched, the water bowl was full, my miaoster, i was so worried for you. but now that you're back, my ball of fur, miaoster, please don't disappear ever, forever.
i love you,
fat cat
19.8.09
29.7.09
17.7.09
awful dreams
Last night, there were children jumping off the Singapore Flyer, a giant ferris wheel attraction built to mimick the London Eye. It was a messy sight as I watched from a car passing below the Flyer. Bits of bloody flesh splashed about in mid-air like butchered meat. There, eleven to 12 year olds waited their turn, each contemplating for roughly 3 minutes, stoic-faced, before plunging into deep red fireworks.
Later in the dream, I learnt, from a faceless friend, that those kids were leukemia patients.
Later in the dream, I learnt, from a faceless friend, that those kids were leukemia patients.
18.6.09
12.6.09
now my heart is full
nas is back and she's brought along some friends ")
thanks nas!
now i need more shelf space and hence, more books...
thanks nas!
now i need more shelf space and hence, more books...
now my heart is full
now my heart is full
and i just can't explain
so i won't even try to
now my heart is full
and i just can't explain
so i won't even try to
2.6.09
24.5.09
heavy leeches
do you believe in soulmates?
last evening, i went swimming in the ocean. and as my head bobbed out of the water, i saw that the horizon was slanted 30 degrees counter-clockwise. and you were lying on the horizon like a hammock suspended in space,your face relaxed, blissful. you turned to look at me, got off your hammock and swam towards me. i see your head and then i dont, i see you and then i dont. where were you and where were you headed? you were not coming closer nor moving further. did i not see you swim towards me?
do you believe in soulmates? i don't.
once, i felt your hand on my calf, you lifted me above the water,yourself buried. i squealed in surprise. the air unsalty and fresh; a pedestal, for once, above all my heavy misery that clung to my bikini like 10-pound leeches. you brought to me a breath of fresh air in a moment of strength and self sacrifice. but i sank back.
the inevitability of gravity. the bitch of sin. i sank back into my black, dark yet familiar ocean. you looked at me expectantly, "did i make you happy?", your eyes asked; your lips reached forward for a kiss of gratitude. yes. yes. but no, it dissipated, like you, too, will dissipate.
i see you and then i don't. you swam back to your hammock, laid on it, smiling. and faded into the sunset.
do you believe in soulmates? i don't.
you make me so happy, so new. but in this ocean, everyone drowns.
last evening, i went swimming in the ocean. and as my head bobbed out of the water, i saw that the horizon was slanted 30 degrees counter-clockwise. and you were lying on the horizon like a hammock suspended in space,your face relaxed, blissful. you turned to look at me, got off your hammock and swam towards me. i see your head and then i dont, i see you and then i dont. where were you and where were you headed? you were not coming closer nor moving further. did i not see you swim towards me?
do you believe in soulmates? i don't.
once, i felt your hand on my calf, you lifted me above the water,yourself buried. i squealed in surprise. the air unsalty and fresh; a pedestal, for once, above all my heavy misery that clung to my bikini like 10-pound leeches. you brought to me a breath of fresh air in a moment of strength and self sacrifice. but i sank back.
the inevitability of gravity. the bitch of sin. i sank back into my black, dark yet familiar ocean. you looked at me expectantly, "did i make you happy?", your eyes asked; your lips reached forward for a kiss of gratitude. yes. yes. but no, it dissipated, like you, too, will dissipate.
i see you and then i don't. you swam back to your hammock, laid on it, smiling. and faded into the sunset.
do you believe in soulmates? i don't.
you make me so happy, so new. but in this ocean, everyone drowns.
16.5.09
14.5.09
10.5.09
hong kong this time
so we were away for a good 7 days. don't recall ever being to an asian holiday destination for such a prolonged period of time with my family before. and to be honest, i was afraid we might bite each others' heads off. but it was better than expected. although, i almost bit some heads when mom decided to settle for some dodgy looking malaysian cuisine instead of being adventurous and looking for the famous chilli crab under the bridge in mongkok. turns out, chilli-crab-under-the-bridge is NOT in mongkok but in wanchai. imagine if i made them search, i'd be headless. u know how they say mothers seem to know it all. jyah. so there were no surprises, hong kong IS all about eating and shopping so we didnt try to do anything too funky like wax museums or disney lands.
we went to this modern toilet restaurant in sz for dinner. as the name suggests, the theme was.. well, toilets. usually, what goes in and what comes out don't go very well together but i guess we were all tired from walking and hence, agreeable on potentially ruining our appetites as long as we had somewhere to sit, even if it meant toilet bowls. so this is mom and her nasty looking friend with things leaking out his nose. halfway through the meal, we burst out laughing at the sight of our parents spooning their tom yum soup from a toilet bowl the size of a steamboat pot. see how vulnerable a tired man can become. hurhur. after the meal, dad shot us a NO DESSERTS look for fear of what chocolate ice-cream might look like here.
at the malaysian restaurant where i was ready to bite!
entertaining ourselves at the shopping centre next to laforet, beverly something when the shops weren't open yet
delighted to eat crepes right after japanese pizza & pasta for dinner!
seafood in china!!
and i tell u,some of the prawns were already dead.
that was that. hong kong is like a suitor; tirelessly throwing in little surprises & gifts in pursuit of this heart already sold to someone else. in many ways, she resembles the love of my life yet much of what is lacking is what matters. nonetheless, she still caused severe vacation-withdrawal symptoms the moment i place my foot on spick & span sunny island.
7.5.09
22.4.09
staring
all i did was stare at a still photo of you and your pals playing the fool.you were sitting on a baggage trolley,looking real serious, like driving a Ferrari in an F1 race. it cracks me up each morning i turn on my laptop in the office. all i did was stare and i remember how your skin feels, i stare and i remember what your face smells like. the texture of your hair on my fingers; hair on your head whom we call nub nub, hair on your legs as i smooth my hands across them while you drive. i remember because i memorised each sensation, each scent... it cracks me up each morning i turn on my laptop in the office; each morning i restrain the tears from overflowing, staring.
20.4.09
17.4.09
virgin run
Completing 5.6k is harder than I thought, especially with the irregular terrain which, I suspect, enticed them to choose the route over a flat one to make up for the relatively shorter distance compared to other runs held throughout the year. Anyhooves, there were many curves and swerves, hills and tunnels, it felt like boot camp. and of course, there were alot more people walking in this race, unlike others in which only serious runners sign up for.
we started late at the esplanade, found ourselves on the wrong side of the road, receiving dirty looks from traffic police that read "no jaywalking". so we ran from our actual start line, backwards to one fullerton, found ourselves at the tail end of the 10,000 lot, meandered to the front, and started about 7 min late.we continued to meander for what seemed like forever before being rudely surprised by the 1km flag. while others claim it was a scenic route, all i remember seeing was the back of others' shirts reading "julius bar" (it's not a typo, check it out), "UBS", "Barclay's Team", "PricewaterhouseCooper", it was a parade. and all i remember hearing or chose to hear as i encountered each upward slope was "...that britney's shameless..you want a piece o' me..." (not that i dig britney, i just couldn't run to clay aiken. but thanks anyways for your nano, binx).
finally, FINALLY, the majestic glow of the 5km flag, swaying in the wind in all its glory showed up tiny in the distance. i thought, 600m was nothing relative to all the 5k i ran so i picked up pace not realising IT WAS SHIT. 200m into it and i was a punctured tyre. i saw the F1 pits - our end point; where good beer, better music and fresh clean clothes await my return like the prodigal's son. but like every meritocratic environment, i had to work for my reward - they added a friggin slope at the last u-turn.
we started late at the esplanade, found ourselves on the wrong side of the road, receiving dirty looks from traffic police that read "no jaywalking". so we ran from our actual start line, backwards to one fullerton, found ourselves at the tail end of the 10,000 lot, meandered to the front, and started about 7 min late.we continued to meander for what seemed like forever before being rudely surprised by the 1km flag. while others claim it was a scenic route, all i remember seeing was the back of others' shirts reading "julius bar" (it's not a typo, check it out), "UBS", "Barclay's Team", "PricewaterhouseCooper", it was a parade. and all i remember hearing or chose to hear as i encountered each upward slope was "...that britney's shameless..you want a piece o' me..." (not that i dig britney, i just couldn't run to clay aiken. but thanks anyways for your nano, binx).
finally, FINALLY, the majestic glow of the 5km flag, swaying in the wind in all its glory showed up tiny in the distance. i thought, 600m was nothing relative to all the 5k i ran so i picked up pace not realising IT WAS SHIT. 200m into it and i was a punctured tyre. i saw the F1 pits - our end point; where good beer, better music and fresh clean clothes await my return like the prodigal's son. but like every meritocratic environment, i had to work for my reward - they added a friggin slope at the last u-turn.
don't get me wrong, i did enjoy my virgin run and will continue to do our 5k weekly training (which seems a whole lot shorter now than what we did yesterday). but i guess it makes a difference when you know where you're headed, know how much you've done,how much you still have to do and where the slopes are. next run, i promise to memorise the route.
after the run, in the VIP tent
bird angry that she couldn't find james/
janice wanting to see if she still looked decent
and of course, what is a run without a treat? we had kenny rogers!
chant with me "mac&cheese!mac&cheese!"
14.4.09
13.4.09
in their laughter i shed a tear
there was coffee, magazines and wind in our hair
we love each other so much, we met on a sunday
we see each other so much, our mother-in-laws are in sync
we're even starting to have the same hair.
corporate challenge up next-160409,1800h,the padang
9.4.09
love will keep us alive
so we try to have these fornightly sessions to keep us from drowning or worse, becoming robots.
jad's farewell without jad cuz he was late from being lost
he went to timbre "old school", as in SMU
hurhur.
8.4.09
27.3.09
grandma
a lonely wooden stool stood
tall and ready on the bathroom floor
lit only by a line of light
from a broken pane it creeped in
to grace this day.
algae trimmings run along
the tiles, the tub, the walls
a towel hung across the ceiling pipes
into a tight knot
rusty dots spot the mirror
where she would watch herself
climb onto the lonely wooden stool
who served her in the garden, by the phone
in her bedroom, kitchen, bathroom
only this time, she would fall;
end it all
tall and ready on the bathroom floor
lit only by a line of light
from a broken pane it creeped in
to grace this day.
algae trimmings run along
the tiles, the tub, the walls
a towel hung across the ceiling pipes
into a tight knot
rusty dots spot the mirror
where she would watch herself
climb onto the lonely wooden stool
who served her in the garden, by the phone
in her bedroom, kitchen, bathroom
only this time, she would fall;
end it all
22.3.09
19.3.09
snail mail
yesterday was a good day. The brown box on the table in my dark room was like a beam of light in my storm. I had to gasp for breath and pass the camera to becky who very obligingly snapped away while I tore the box apart in excitement.the books i ordered 20 days ago arrived! : ) sigh, the magic of snail mail. nevermind it being slow, it's worth the wait because snail mails always know when you have shit weeks and pull the abracadabra on you.
6 penguin great ideas and Cao XueQin's the story of the stone
support world literacy (& snail mail):
every person's eye deserves to be open to the world of knowledge
18.3.09
since he was just here
Do you ever think about me
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep
In the middle of the night when you awake
Are you calling out for me
Do you ever reminisce
I can't believe I'm acting like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss
Do you ever ask about me
Do your friends still tell you what to do
Everytime the phone rings
Do you wish it was me callin' you
Do you still feel the same
Or has time put out the flame
I miss you
Is everything ok
- 6,8,12, Brian McKnight
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep
In the middle of the night when you awake
Are you calling out for me
Do you ever reminisce
I can't believe I'm acting like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss
Do you ever ask about me
Do your friends still tell you what to do
Everytime the phone rings
Do you wish it was me callin' you
Do you still feel the same
Or has time put out the flame
I miss you
Is everything ok
- 6,8,12, Brian McKnight
13.3.09
11.3.09
9.3.09
6.3.09
2.3.09
23.2.09
16.2.09
tomorrow
tomorrow,
the sun won't rise
birds will stay put in their nests
rushing waves will fight the tides,
silently blending into ocean's ends
the winds will still
the rivers cease to flow
silence will sink heavy on us
and you and i won't know that
you would not wake and i would not stir
stones like our hearts will fail to fear
i would not speak nor would you hear
tomorrow, when the end is near
the sun won't rise
birds will stay put in their nests
rushing waves will fight the tides,
silently blending into ocean's ends
the winds will still
the rivers cease to flow
silence will sink heavy on us
and you and i won't know that
you would not wake and i would not stir
stones like our hearts will fail to fear
i would not speak nor would you hear
tomorrow, when the end is near
13.2.09
8.2.09
untitled
paint me pink, o queen of passion.
draw the wild breeze of day unto us
and after, the still of night
unto my racing soul.
it finds no rest till it finds you,
no pleasure till it lays warm
in your bosom.
and again, queen o'passion, again,
tear down these walls of inhibition,
enter as you may,
unleash and
set me free
draw the wild breeze of day unto us
and after, the still of night
unto my racing soul.
it finds no rest till it finds you,
no pleasure till it lays warm
in your bosom.
and again, queen o'passion, again,
tear down these walls of inhibition,
enter as you may,
unleash and
set me free
27.1.09
quarter life
quarter life. it means i've lived one fourth of my life, or 25 years (assuming i live to a good 100 years). it both scares and comforts me. while i gazed at my ceiling in painful insomnia last night, i thought about this life that i was going to continue living. in the first quarter, up till midnight tonight, i call it soak, where all that i can learn and experience from school, books or people, i absorb.
in the second quarter, in which i will enter in less than an hour, i call it build, where all that i've soaked up in the first quarter, i use to build the next part of my life, keeping in mind that this will result in the harvest i get in the 3rd quarter, which i would like to call reap. and finally, in the last quarter, i'll enjoy.
i'm comforted that all that i could do in my first 25 years, i've done. pursued my education to some decent level, found my homeland, met some of the most amazing people, seen some of the greatest places and artworks...but the apprehension comes in how im going to use what i've learnt to build the rest of my life.what was i going to build?i caught a glimpse of myself at 60 and not having done what i wanted to do; regretting choices i've made...and learning that it's too late.
in the second quarter, in which i will enter in less than an hour, i call it build, where all that i've soaked up in the first quarter, i use to build the next part of my life, keeping in mind that this will result in the harvest i get in the 3rd quarter, which i would like to call reap. and finally, in the last quarter, i'll enjoy.
i'm comforted that all that i could do in my first 25 years, i've done. pursued my education to some decent level, found my homeland, met some of the most amazing people, seen some of the greatest places and artworks...but the apprehension comes in how im going to use what i've learnt to build the rest of my life.what was i going to build?i caught a glimpse of myself at 60 and not having done what i wanted to do; regretting choices i've made...and learning that it's too late.
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