2005

suspicion.phonecall.discovery.pain.
quarrel.shouts.tears.pain.
denial.denial.eased.pain.
friends.laughter.smiles.pain.
oc.exams.results.pain.
benefit of doubt.camp.discovery.pain.
pain.pain.pain.resolution.
avoidance.activities.occupied.recovery
confide.alley bar.connection.friendship.
visits.surprises.lunches.friendship.
consolation.advice.middleman.development.
attraction.locked out.one night.lovers.
secrets.
friendships.laughter.joy.walas.
uniting nations.support.jokes.happiness.
eye-candy.lollipop man.thrill.excitement.
infatuation.flirting.shopping.race.
no race.flirting.dinner.flirting.
study.crystal jade.tease.flirting.
study.discovery.embarrassment.chijazz.
chicken rice.walk.question game.walk.
wat do u do in ur free time?
flirting.shamelessly flirting.hot date.cavenagh bridge.
yes i will.hands.fondue.blisspoint.
bliss.bliss.bliss.
meiji chocolates.orange juice.escalator time.escapade.
birthday.secret garden.walk.walas.
one month.roses.prata.night safari.
genting.polar express.nice chat.MOSE101.
spaceshot.bus ride.serenade.bliss.
mt faber.surprise.tree.joy.
christmas eve.white chicks.bewitched.pizza.
christmas.indian poker.kings.drinks.
i swear.
new year's eve.high.high.evening stroll.
happy new year.

fooled again

it puzzles me
730 days
17520 hrs
1051200mins
wat did all that mean to u?
it seems,when i look in ur eyes
u no longer remember me
u lured me back only to turn me into a stranger
ive been fooled again and again
even after ive put it all behind
erased the hurts n blurred the memories
u still choose to play ur childish mind games
is this why u take so many photos
because u dont remember things,people
memories dont exist in ur vocabulary...

this christmas

this christmas i wasnt a good girl

i lied
i said i bought u the ljungberg underwear
accused u of being dissapointed with it
got u upset with me for accusing u
but it turned out to be polo blue
which u smell so good in
i lied

i made u cry
u opened ur present,
screeched a loud screech
buried ur face in ur hands
wiped ur tears on ur sleeves
and hugged me
i made u cry

how can i make it up to u
the both of u

the magic of christmas

shopping frenzy yesterday
bought prezzies for my lovelies
then i came across this email
that talks about extravagant giving
that nothing beats giving during christmas
we buy gifts all the time
for people near and far
but when christmas stirs near
it is as if a force pushes u,ur hand and ur money forward
compelling u to give

and strangely,
u enjoy parting with this money
money that u would stinge on
to buy new shoes
ridiculous sums u pay for the same thing a month ago
u pay,uve been ripped but ure satisfied
then u spend 3 days wrapping n still look forward to more wrapping
u turn ur house into a paper war zone and ure pleased

and once ure done tying ribbons,writing cards,
arranging them in order of size,biggest present at the bottom
u sit and stare in anticipation
of the day u pass the present to its rightful owner

to see them rip the ribbon u took 3 hours measuring
paper u took a day to find
cardboard boxes u paid $13 for
enduring till u see that one thing u seek
a smile appears,arms open wide,a tight hug
n nothing else matters

this is the magic that christmas brings

pam n yam

leap

while i was dancing today
i saw You
and how You cried
pleading that You may not die
the death i was meant to die
how You begged
beads of bloody sweat

i dance the steps
that were choreographed for You
for me
the dance You danced
so that my feet would not only walk
but leap

i am eternally grateful

time of my life

photos will be up soon

i had the time of my life
best trip ever i must say
etched in my mind are

ur spice girls' dance
the way u said,darling im very scared
ur neverending screams
on the roller coasters

ur prisoner photo pose
the nervous look at the blackjack table
ur endless being prostitute at tai ti

ur rotten cantonese
how u cracked me up with ur malaysian accent
ur sweet serenade surprise line

cant wait for destination bangkok
for joycee,jemmy and the one i call baby

i love u for who u are

ljungberg is spanish

ljungberg is spanish
no he's not
he's dutch and he plays for the holland team
huh?spanish then cannot play for holland team meh?
OF COURSE NOT.
if he's of a dutch nationality,naturally he'll play for holland
but heskey is black and he plays for the england team
and inamoto is japanese and he plays for arsenal

ok,listen to me if im singaporean
i'll represent singapore in the world cup
even if im malay and singaporean
i'll still play for singapore
let's say im damn good and get to play in the english premier league
i'll still be a singaporean who is damn good and play for say arsenal
so if ljungberg is dutch
he'll naturally play for the holland team

turns out
ljungberg is swedish
excerpt from a conversation i had last night

our brief appointment

i heard the voice of him who had the answers
my heart pounded against my chest
yearning to be set free
flee from the trauma of meeting u
the time had come and had started to tick
timing our very brief appointment
3hours and 15minutes
i saw u and i froze
my heart pounded harder and faster
my mind lost in my head
tears clogged up somewhere between my
nose bridge and neck
u said the things i wasn't prepared to hear
nor see nor face
some words so foreign
i feared what they meant
to me,to my future
u didn't stop,u didn't care
u rambled on forcing me to speak
to move to write something anything
even if it didn't make sense
u wanted to humiliate me
2hours and 15minutes left
time was on your side,not mine
crawling so u could suck me dry
although there was nothing there for u
in the first place
3minutes left
and that too felt long
i heard the voice of him who had the answers
exam's over,congratulations

two million dollars worth

i cant blog about it now
but when i do
i promise it'll be about u

u know how much this means to me
and how much i want this to work
for us
and so i fear what she thinks
her opinions
her intuitive gut
that at often times,is so true

she seemed ok last night
friendly,hospitable,trusting
too trusting
and i was relieved

but
tonight i will hear her
her two million dollars worth

Sports Fiesta 2005
model: yam fu sheng

our common emotions

im glad we're friends
never could have imagine
still fresh in my mind
some memories i find
perhaps we'll do it again

scared me a little
ur strange perceptions
u mentioned drift
how was i to deal with
losing u to ur cognitions

all that u are
n all that you want to be
the form ur heart takes
what makes it break
ur secret is safe with me

n mine with u too
because it is complex
beyond comprehension
our common emotions
tie us.seal us.others...
perplexed

three things

three things

get well soon jes,
u'll be prettier than ever before
loving you

happy birthday baby!
really happy that u enjoyed yourself
and that ure happy
always silly

happy birthday char!
i love you more than u'll ever know
i swear you're hand picked by Daddy for me
love you like crazy!

post

Uniting Nations officially welcomes Fusheng Province of China
winner of a starbucks drink: Towento

content

so i was sitting under the huge green umbrella
at Temasek Towers Starbucks this morning
over a double tall toffee nut latte
and a blueberry merry bagel
watching the water flow down the sculpture steps
glimmering, reflecting
and the marble- sculptured children
shining in the bright morning light
i spread a thick layer of cream cheese
on my blueberry merry bagel
and plunged my teeth into the warm dough
and thought about you
and i smiled
could a girl ask for more?
for teh gao
contest for teh gao's country name ends monday 14th Nov
so far, Towento is in the lead...

National Day

2nd Nov 2005
New Zuiland's 22nd National Day
@ Menotti
missed: Towento
the change was requested by New Zuiland who aims only to
make love not war with the DAPH character
the latest addition to Uniting Nations has yet to get a country name
best name given wins a starbucks treat from me

5th November 2005
2035h
blisspoint

sail away

upon getting my economics degree
i am going to:
cook
start on my novel
pick up wine appreciation (inspired)
and sail away

thanks for last night
every moment spent with u is special
for teh gao

chipped

every being that walks into your life
even for a brief moment
with only one word spoken
takes a piece of you with them
when they leave
this entry is dedicated to ah gong
who has single handedly brought up
10children,27granchildren,12greatgrandchildren
and has lived a whole 90years
only to see them fight over his riches
yet with no words said
and no mess stirred
he departed
eyes closed
silent in his sleep
respect

when u left this morning
i felt a part of me chip

busy

this queasy rolling churning
whirls of thoughts words feelings
tell me again
what's your name
i was too busy falling for
catching myself from
longing for
infatuating like a little girl on
exciting myself over
bringing me back down to
where i was
before i met

you

you only live twice

you only live twice or so it seems
one life for yourself and one for your dreams
you drift through the years and life seems tame
till one dream appears and love is its name

and love is a stranger who'll beckon you on
dont think of the danger or the stranger is gone
the dream is for you,so pay the price
make one dream come true,you only live twice
bjork- you only live twice

aixerona

so i have an eating disorder
that's been going on for awhile
just that i never really wanted to come to terms with it
im not sure if it is a mental disorder
more than a physical disorder
but i think i need help
because it will eventually destroy me
destroy the way i look
the way i behave
it isn't a common disorder,
not many people suffer from it
but i know of people who do
and the consequences they face
i suffer from aixerona
the opposite of anorexia
i cant stop eating!

stay with me

fuzzy's got cancer
a tumor on his stomach
some growth
his arms (or for i-like-my-coffee-without-sugar's sake,fore-legs)
are swollen
when he stands on his legs (hind-legs),
u can see the swell
and if u feel under his tummy,
there is a cut
'he doesnt have long to live',mr. petshop says

i pray
that u will be well
but if you must go,
take a sunflower seed with u,
i know those are ur favourites.
keep warm,heaven can be chilly
stay with me as long as u can
as long as it doesnt hurt...

Uniting Nations 4th Weekly Conference

Representing the Uniting Nations Conference on Monday, 3rd Oct are...
from left to right: Argentinab,Jonehnehsburg,Pamaswala Republic
Cheukoslovakia,Towento,New Zuiland
conference agenda:
maintain and strengthen ties
i miss you all

nostalgia

if hands could free you,heart,
where would you fly?
far,beyond every part
of earth this running sky
makes desolate?would you cross
city and hill and sea,
if hands could set you free?

i would not lift the latch;
for i could run
through fields,pit valleys,catch
all beauty under the sun-
still end in loss:
i should find no bent arm,no bed
to rest my head
- philip larkin
there's always something in the way

green and brown

i got u something
she thought it was a lie
a box was sneaked across the table
strategically parked so her eye
caught its pose in its prim
brown and green.
her heart skipped a beat
her mind shoved it aside
thank you very much
that was really nice

be with me

so i watched Eric Khoo's Be With Me last night
with 'i like my coffee without sugar'
and my favourite picture in the movie
though it may seem warped
or morbid,
was the image of ezann lee
lying on the fat security guard,unconscious,
while he takes one last look at his painstakingly written letter
to the girl of his dreams
before he closes his eyes and
surrenders to death in his pool of blood.

because in that one picture
juxtaposition brought out the essence of the movie
ezann,who plays jackie,lost all hope because
the girl she loves,sam,left her for some guy
while the fat security guard was hope-full,
all ready to give his one brave shot
at the female executive he's been pining for.
yet jackie's very act of hopelessness met this man
through her jump from the building
killing him and leaving her alive.
a little over the top but clever
unrequitted love spoken without words.

remember forever

i asked u,
wat would you do for me?
darling,I would die for u.
i asked u,
i just committed a crime,
my sentence is death.
do u still love me?
remember,forever...
hands chained,legs bound,
they dragged me towards my fate
wat i deserved for
wat i did.
u held me tight,firm,
for one last time,
to say goodbye
looked deep into my eyes
remember forever...
i turned to face my sentence,
i turned and i saw u.
fresh blood streaming down
your body now,deformed
your face scarred beyond recognition
but u hung there in my place
your eyes found mine and u said
remember forever,
i love you.

haunting

old and frail she passes me by
dressed in a slightly creased cotton cheong sum
her wig,black and coarse
carefully,with much daily practise,
affixed on the top of her head
her hunch disfigures her
once,perhaps admirable physique
time has made it's mark by carving creases on her forehead
a whiff of her smell of age finds its way into my nose

and life's temporariness
and death's inevitability
haunts me

womad

so i was at womad with "i like my coffee without sugar"

the guy sitting on my head was playing music with his moustache
how pro is that.

cherished

of Risotto & Ravioli

Remember one Rainy midday
Reminisce the choice of Risotto & Ravioli
Regardless of the taste we
Rushed into it,almost
Regurgitating what we ate.but
Relatively satisfied anyway.
Roamed the streets for some tea to
Relax our Retina & Rectum
Realising the time,you
Raced Recklessly till i
Reached their doorstep,their faces solemn
i forgot the midday until it
Rained again today.
Reminded me of the
Rainy midday and the choice of
Risotto & Ravioli.
will it Rain again tomorrow?
for 'i like my coffee without sugar'

fallen

i have failed and have fallen
for each of the things i did right
i have done twice as wrong
and God,being just,would judge me
His wrath would fall upon me
fire and brimstone,fiery furnaces
and i will rot in hell

but my Daddy says:

For I will be merciful to your unrighteousness
and your sins and your iniquities will I remember no more
hebrews 8:12

I have loved you with an everlasting love
jeremiah 31:3

if you had a time machine,where would u go?

wat am i to you?

you are like a gust of wind
slaps me hard against my face
sends me cold
and shivers me out
as you penetrate into my skin
yet i feel so embraced by your warmth
so safe
so secure
in one moment,
concentrate such intensity on my small frail form
but you are a gust of wind
hit me once
then pass me by
your touch fading
then disappearing
you leave no trace behind
wat am i?
the grass that sways with your movement?
wat am i?
the bird that propels with your force?
wat am i?
the butterfly that loses control in your presence?
wat am i?
wat am i to you?
because to me,
you are perfect
even after you're gone.
for black russian

best friend eva

my lovely sung's place is like a vacuum
where time ceases to exist
i spent one night there
didnt knw wat time i slept,
felt late
didnt knw wat time it was when i woke up
till i stretched over her to check the clock
1230pm
im always reminded it's 9am when im at home
with my mom's loud "wake up!"
then we sat around,watched cartoons,
had lunch,listened to music
went for ice-cream,sat around...
3pm
no way.
such luxury.
thanks sung for such a great time,
such great 14 years.
i love u.

machine

halt.
i think i need to stop.
was walking along the streets that day
my brain could no longer function
there is this nagging ache on the right side
tight
stiff
stretching down all the way to the neck
green man,walk,red man,stop.
my heart beat to keep my legs moving
not to feel
not to love
just to move
i am becoming a machine.

was it really?

i hear the voice of a girl intoxicated
her giggles as she drags her lover across the corridor
come on,we'll be stealth,she says
my heart is too weak,was the response
she pins her lover on the wall
just outside her neighbour's house
why won't you come to my room,she begs
i cant,i wont,not now.
i watch as their noses graze
teasing each other with their lips
they hold each other closer
this magical night was theirs to keep
i watch as their lips met
in brief,gentle rendezvous
she sighs,lays her head on her lover's shoulder
hey,i've got to go soon
i watch as her neighbour interrupt the moment
i watch as they depart abruptly
i watch the two lovers lost in themselves
was it really you and me?

book club

today was the official launch of Book Club
Book Club consists of 3 members thus far
and we have great vision
to start our own book cafe one day
(with two internet stations available,
n walls displayed with one of our member's works).
but for now,Book Club is just gonna read
and discuss book issues on saturdays
over a nice teochew dessert
hot cocoa,lime juice and lousy iced tea at book cafes.
we're starting with fiction novels
then we'll move to serious literature
and one day,maybe,just maybe
we'll become book (and maybe movie) critics.

by the way,i put on some weight
believe it or not.
at the rate im gorging,
if i dont put on weight
there arent just worms in my stomach
there are camels in them too!
i havent weighed myself but im quite sure i did
i can see u rolling your eyes from where im sitting
but dont u rolls your eyes at me till u see me!
and when i say put on weight,
i mean put on weight,
not pam became fat.

innocence

i saw her reflection in the glass
right beside me she sat
upright on the edge of the train seats
swinging her legs in mid air
her form so tiny beside mine
her curious eyes filled with hope
she looks up at me,questioning
and i answered back with a look
a look spaced out with pain
teary-eyed,blood shot veins
i was once this little girl
now i am stained and hopeless
my heart and mind exhausted
why does living seem pointless?
time,take me back to where innocence dwelled.

beautiful girl

you and i both know
that the moments we share are brief
so i take each moment in my head,
soon after it occurs,
and pen it down in case
i lose it before i know it;
i want to see it again and it's gone.
beautiful girl, i've searched on for you
till all of your loveliness,in my arms,come true
i turn to look at you and
i find you're already looking at me
something filled the air in the car
i cannot describe
but i waited for that something to fill you too
that you may reach out and
electrify me with your touch
But
"you better go"
yea i better go,
goodnight.

somethings are better left unsaid

i shared a moment with u on the night of 13th july
through to the morning of 14th july
that will last from then till eternity
and like i told u
if i could remember just one moment for the rest of my life
this would be it
in the way it was experienced and felt

to share this moment with the world would be a shame
for the world would not understand
nor comprehend
the intensity of that emotion felt by the two of us
but the world must know i feel this way
so here it is in its briefest,most watered-down form...

no
then again,i cant
there's no watered-down form
i tried,but i cant
too intense,
too rich,
too overwhelming
somethings are better left unsaid

special moment

how do we remember so many special moments?
when new special moments are experienced,
we put the old ones aside
even though they meant as much,or maybe more
than the new special moments
(not that the new special moments mean less)

i wish i had a mental camera to capture all the
special moments in my life
that way i will never forget or miss any of them out
when i search through my mental bank

now,some moments that i wanna retrieve
from the rusty drawers in my mind
are vague and blurry
i see them thru smoky lenses
then i think to myself,
i wanna relive them again so that the images become clear
but i cant
still, i thank those who made new special moments in my life.

special thanks to mocha who made "breathe" moment,
which i wanna remember for life
and special thanks to black russian
who has made new special moments i.e.
"i think the light that bounces off your face now is nice"

happier now

Black Russian

sunlight seeps through the window panes
wipes itself across your face
i breathe you in
kiss your cheek
and watch as your lids part
and your smile greets
my lips find their way to your ear and whisper
'good morning, dear'

the sheets ruffle
to find its form around our legs
wanting to chain us to the very pleasure we both yearn
face to face,body to body
but soul kept away from soul
reminding us of the force that keeps us apart

you sit up and face away
reach for yesterday's shirt
i wrap my arms around your waist
now,only offering your back for a goodbye kiss
i accept it anyway
and say
'please stay'
and just as i expected,mechanical but true
'ive got to go,
i love you'
for black russian
which i also consider a coffee drink because there's kahlua in it.

my favourite dessert

found out who my anonymous tagger is
so we met up for pavlovas.

night out

mystery friend at alley bar

can u see the light under my armpits?

on mini girly bike.
after which,mystery friend got abducted by muds.

love-d

once,summer nights,perfumed by rain
would tease love's syntax from her lips
like a single thread from out the skein
a breath caught deep,between the sips
but her silence now does love oppugn
and the slighted heart down cast
stark midnight geese correct the moon
and each kiss brings us closer to the last.

rain falls in exclamation marks
but nothing more may i promise her.
love's ardour is set,in the fading dark
like mercury in a cold thermometer.

now love's present can no longer be
with the addition of just one letter- 'd'
taken off some art magazine

too late

phone rings
no answer
phone rings
no answer
phone rings
hello
hey..urm..how come u didnt reply my msg?
sorry didnt see it
oh.urm..can we be friends?
no
why?
uh..i dont want to be

phone rings
hello
hey...this is ***
oh.hey...
i saw u with *** the other day.are u guys together?
no
oh ok.is there anything going on?
i think so
i still love u
silence
is there any possibility of us being together again?
uh..no.
what if i hadnt been so hostile last december,would things have been different?
yes
so im too late?
uh..ya.

contemplate
hold back
contemplate
hod back
contemplate
phone rings
hey...
hey...how are u and ***?
we're fine.we still argue but we're fine.
what if i told u i still love u?am i too late?
...
for mocha

princess dreams

when i was a little girl
i had princess dreams...
i wanted to be a teacher
i would put all my toys in a row,named them
gave them homework,did them myself,n marked them.
the score my "students" would get would depend on how cute they were
or how much i loved them.
i wanted to be a ballet dancer
like anna pavlova
i wanted to live in a 100 storey house
i would write out in my little notebook what each storey would have
the top floor would ALWAYS be the swimming pool.
the other 99 levels would be divided among my 30 stuffed toys.
in my mind,my prince charming would look exactly like batman
we would get married in a castle (probably 100 storeys)
and live happily ever after

but i lived n i learnt that princess dreams dont come true...
i relief- taught for one month
and the students aint like my toys.
they ask for my number
and get charmy with me.
i gave up ballet after grade 8
and im playing and loving rugby now.
pavlova has become my favourite dessert.
the closest to my 100 storey house is the Westin Stamford at 70 storeys
i guess i'll be content with an apartment,maybe in orchard
overlooking the busy streets n pretty night lights
and i just found out that batman has no super powers
he's just this rich fella with money to make gadgets
which aint too bad if u come to think of it.

lovepuke

yesterday,my mom n i peeked into wuzzy's cage
and she was sleeping on her back
her hands together
and her legs together
then suddenly
her mouth started to move in occasional spasms
i looked at my mom and said
she's sleep talking
then it reminded me of Dory in Finding Nemo
"the sea monkeys took my money"
"yea,i'm a natural blue..."

watched LOVEPUKE on sunday
and i loved it
it portrayed the emotions of two people of the opposite sex
from courtship to marriage
in such clear, honest expressions
the way the play was exposed was also unconventional
in that the emotions were vocalised instead of felt,
which usually leaves room for the audience to speculate
yet,in all it's honesty,it was light-hearted
easy to comprehend and relate to.
i love janice koh
she rocks man
sexy,cool,confident,funny and full of style
a must watch!

the new era

today marks the beginning of a new era in my life
im really excited about what Daddy has in store for me
some words spoken to me over the last week
were words of life
this verse kept springing up in my head
"...being confident of this very thing,that He who has begun
a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"

then i look at my life and i realised how much my Daddy loves me
and how much i dont deserve what He has given to me.
in this camp,i did not receive what most would call deep revelation
what i did receive is the most fundamental of the Christian doctrine,
the very reason we exist and the only adjective by which we describe my Daddy:
love
and love never fails
my Daddy never fails
never did,never will

dbl espresso bought me a white adidas visor
hee

BenGen Camp

this is the nana sisterhood

preparing for jap night

threshold is two glasses

not paying attention during service

for you

and it may take some time to patch me up inside
but i cant take it so i run away and hide
and i may find in time that u were always right,ure always right.

so u sailed away,into a grey sky morning
now im here to stay,love can be so boring

what was it u wanted?could it be im haunted?

but it's not so bad,ure only the best i ever had
i dont want u back,ure just the best i ever had

letting go

im excited about church camp!
and im determined to put on a little bit of weight
(at the right places of course
i.e. boobs and butt,altho some claim i'll tip over)
and my church's camps are good for putting on weight.
buffets trailing after buffets
plus room service
and a great team of eating friends;they are called the nanas (waves)
who will stick by you from breakfast to supper,starters to desserts!

i was on the bus home just now n just playing the oc in my head
(so i was bored ok?)
and this particular scene with theresa talking to ryan flashed in my head
she said something to the extent of it hurt marissa to let ryan go
but she let him leave with theresa anyway
because he was responsible for impreganating her.
this is the cliche saying, "if u love the person let him/her go"
well,i think it is humanly possible
as in,people have let their partners leave with others
but sometimes,u let go not cuz u love the person...

slowly but surely

have u ever had moments when
everything around u is a mess
ur life is all screwed up
u wanna start anew
suicide crosses your mind
but u shove it aside
then u think, vodka + panadol will be painless
but u shove it aside
ur tears wont stop rolling down
even though you tilt ur head upwards
u dig into the fridge for chocolates
n gorge them down
but the tears wont stop n everything is still a chaos
n u feel stupid for feeling like this n suicide crosses ur mind again...
then the phone rings
n u pick it up
n with a simple hello
the chaos stands still,
the tears stop rolling
suicide scurries away
ur life suddenly seems perfect
n u couldnt ask for more
n a smile slowly but surely,creeps onto ur face.
n u hear "everything's gonna be alright"
n u know it's true.
thank you dbl espresso.
this is you.

for you

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little hard to say what's going on

there's still a little bit of your ghost,your weakness
there's still a little bit of your face i havent kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i cant see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love,it taught me to lie
life,it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball
damien rice - cannonball

hamster flu

i think my hamster caught my flu
my sister was feeding him water just now
then suddenly,picked him up
and he made a sneezing noise
and there was water all over my sister's hand
like mucus but more watery.
fuzzy, please get well.

there is this force like that of a hurricane
circling in on me
but not quite touching me.
in all directions,it's closing in
but i am helpless because i have no money.
the great singapore sale is driving me mad.

good day...bad day

went tanning at chai tea latte's house yesterday
just a teensy weensy bit burnt on my back now
but it was fun
made our own iced-tea, tuna overloaded sandwiches,
cut our own kiwis and strawberries
took bikini-babe photos
haha

but today wasnt such a good day
it's like a compromise or something
one bad day has to follow one good day
sigh
for one moment
i wished double espresso was around
i wish i could pick the phone up and call dbl esp
cuz i just needed someone to cry to...
munching on gingerbread men with yellow bow ties now

i think

somehow,everytime i meet up with mocha
i think.
not that i dont think on normal occasions
but i think more...
so today
i thought about a few things:
i thought about why i was upset
was it because i lost something
or because i truly loved it
and then i thought again
and i realised what i truly loved was not in what i just lost
then i wasn't so sad about what i lost anymore.
also,i thought about how we learn from our past r/ships
and carry them forward to the next one.
we find remnants...always.
also,i felt misunderstood
because i finally came to terms with my feelings
and i felt i was being judged based on what i used to feel
which i discovered was not the genuine expression.

my first R(21) movie...blown.

so i blew the special moment
of watching your first R(21) movie on
Inside Deep Throat.
i had no inkling whatsoever about the content of the show
all the poster said was
it was filmed in 6 days for 25 000 dollars
the government didn't want you to see it
it was banned in 23 states
it has grossed over 600 million dollars
and it is the most profitable film in motion picture history
so i went to the counter,asked the auntie
two tickets please?
(rudely)are u 21?
yep. and i took out my id.
urm... it's not a horror movie rite?
(GLARE)
so i shut up.still no idea what the show was abt.

when hazelnut latte n i stepped into the theatre
i noticed a pattern
sparsely spread around the theatre were OLD MEN.
so i thot,maybe old men just see R(21),then anyhow buy.
so we took our place n waited.
15 mins into the show,i turned and looked at hazelnut latte
and we both stood up and walked out.

the reviews in the papers about inside deep throat were quite good
but i just couldnt sit through a movie like that
i felt i was being slimed.

hazelnut latte was more upset about the wasted $8
i am still a little traumatized but more upset
although hazelnut latte tried to console me
said i didnt complete the show so it isnt counted.
sigh.
i hope so.

gloomsday conspiracy

today's weather is really depressing
it's one of those days u feel like everything's slowed down
everyone's walking at half their usual pace
there's nobody in the shops
the smiles on the sales people's faces are pasted on
and as u rest ur elbow on the table
the waitress comes from behind
and slams the leather case with ur change, in front of u.
when everything just feels so gloomy
you think
all i have to do is walk into a starbucks
order a nice warm caramel macchiato
and the first sip will bring a magical touch and
change everything back to normal.
then that first sip sucked.
it was a bad shot.
it's just one of those days.
tomorrow will be different.

preserve my mind

my mind is all i keep
all else tangible can be removed
but the preservation of my mind is most vital.
for in my mind lives the memories
that need no photographs or melodies,
fragrance or pretty places to remind me of.
i find solace there,
knowing they remain.

im lying

i look at her and she looks at me
she said, "hey,how are u?
havent seen u in a long time"
i looked her in the eye and said
"im ok"
and we both know im lying.

at singapore sevens

me with tafai ioasa & oreni ai'i

me with tamati ellison

me with tafai ioasa again

me with amasio valence & liam messam

one day...

one day someone will take beautiful portraits of me...

my addiction

i have found the reason for my addiction.
my addiction to caffeine in any form;
coffee, tea, coke, chocolates...
is in fact a disguise for my addiction to
the feeling of well-being;happiness
that it produces.

today i hit the climax of my addiction.
after a teh-c-peng(which skinny latte claims is lethal)
during lunch,
i had a chon- weasel(which skinny latte claims is MOST lethal)
during my break,which was 2hrs later.
took a 10min power nap,
(i still fell asleep by the way)
& the moment i woke up
gobbled(i mean it) kopi-peng's packet of mini eggs

up till now,i have eaten a total of 3 gallons of chocolates
plus my tea n coffee intake
amounts to 3000mg of caffeine.
im happy but...
drug addicts,pls tell me if im dying?

they lurk

my good friend espresso(who insisted on being called teh-o-peng)
told me on sat
pam,do you know the new pope is chinese?
his surname is yah
so he's pope-yah(popiah).

then my mom showed me this sms she received yesterday
pam,did u see this joke?
"the new pope has been elected,
his name is popiah"
mom,that's not a joke,it's true
he's chinese,his name is yah,my friend told me.
really?that's funnny.it's amazing how they found a chinese in
all of rome.

this entry is dedicated to all you out there who believed that
1)there's an underpass from red door gallery to orchard
2)they serve pandan juice at sushi teh
3)your intestines go around the world once
4)the new pope's name is yah
there are tricksters lurking around...

Fantasy

your face a form so beautiful
in all it's perfection shining through,
from inside out,
lights up your eyes and widens your smile.
my skinny fingers reach from my imperfect form,
to touch your immaculate face,
trace the contours of your cheeks until they reach your chin.
with a gentle pull,i draw perfection nearer to me
until our lips meet and mine melt into yours.
then,like a waterfall,
your perfection washes over me,
and now i am perfect.

coffee family

there has been some discrepancies as to the name that espresso has.
espresso isn't too happy espresso's being called espresso.
espresso wants to be called kopi-peng.
so now espresso is a completely different person.
(recycle the name,you see)
we have a heartlander straight from the coffee shop.

kopi-peng(u make my blog sound low class.haha.) n i also discussed in the car
tt i shld have a coffee name.
kopi-peng was kind to suggest i take on the name cappuccino
because it's one shot+alot of foam
i.e. alot of air(in the head)
thanks again kopi-peng.
but of course i refused.
i mean,im all too intelligent for a name like that.
still hunting...

Out of Reach

wrote this poem for kopi-peng's assignment...

The sound of milan reverberates
in the ballroom where
i sit and await your entrance
A thousand watts of light boom on and blind
my eyes and warm my skin
to allow the music to seep in.

Your first stiletto step
onto that pedestal, far and long,
left my body paralysed in my chair
and with the beat of the music, my heart thumps.
Your leg sashaying with confidence to mark the thumping of my heart.
Hands on your hips,where your mini skirt hung.
Body swaying,
but your eyes remain a constant focus,on mine,and mine on yours,
until the space that separated our bodies succumbs to the force
that brought our eyes together.

i try to reach for you
but the magic that you bring disallows bodily motion
i try to scream out in desperation
but the music silences my voice.
You remain undaunted.
Strike a pose.
Make a turn.
And sashay back to where you came from;
where all beauty and fantasies lie,
where all perfection is concentrated in a confined space,
where all laughter and thrills fill the air you breathe.

And i sit here
yearning...

under construction

watch this space

strangers

when two ppl no longer understand each other
communicate with each other
compromise with each other
they become strangers

"the heart knoweth his own bitterness;
and a stranger doth not
intermeddle with his joy"

only the people you love
have the ability to hurt you.

lost songs

last night,
i happily deleted all my songs in limewire shared files
cuz i thot they were in my itunes already
so to avoid the police arresting me
i deleted them
and was happy that mach's bowels are cleaner

today,
i turned on itunes to play my songs
it started to skip the tracks that i ripped from the net
it only played those i got from CDs

i was thoroughly upset
spoke to Iced CM abt it
cuz she's the IT guru
and she,being the sweet dear
offered to let me sync mach to her ipod (which is nameless by the way)
so that i can have 1000 over songs
happiness
now mach's gonna grow fat

height of passion

what does it mean to love?

"once you've reached that height of passion,
you can't help but feel
you don't want to settle for any less"

and even if you did,
would you continue that search?
would you cling on to what you know will soon
fade away?
only because you loved...

no greater love than this

bible study msg:
noah's ark landed on mount ararat,
ararat means the curse is reversed!
in the jewish calender,
this happened on the 17th day of the 7th month
the same day, about 2000 yrs later,
Jesus rose again from the dead
and because He rose again,
the curse is reversed!
my depression is a curse
and IT IS REVERSED!

caregroup msg:
i am God's beloved
only when i know that i am God's beloved
then can i expect good things in my life
i have forgotten how much God loves me
forgotten how much He did for me
now i remember.

today's msg:
his son left him like i left my Daddy
but instead of punishing him or abandoning him
he ran to him, gave him the best robes and killed the fatted calf for him
my Daddy runs to me, gives me His riches and killed Jesus for me.
He still loves me.

every msg this week was as if God is reminding me again and again
that He still loves me, that i should turn to Him
not run away from Him
that He wants to embrace me
not hurt me
that He is my friend
not my enemy

There is no greater love than this.

Iced tall vanilla latte told me today
"give me back the pam i used to know ok?
she was happy, funny, hopeful, my support, joy, love, encouragement"
i said ok.

quizas

eggs deliberately ignored me today
although she has nothing against me
or not that im supposed to know
she has no right to
but i let her
because i am helpless
im guessing it's because of iced tall vanilla latte
but i don't know for what reason
and i don't want to know
apart from blaming myself
i blame her
i wish she didn't do what she did
then perhaps iced tall vanilla latte and i would be happy
but mostly it is my fault
she's the catalyst

bittersweet

everything's bittersweet
our season just ended
third placing and really happy
but somehow the feeling is bittersweet
like how we won't spend as much time together anymore
and i don't know what to expect from next year's ivp
there'll definitely be more and better players
maybe the mix in the team will be different
maybe i won't play again
but this moment remains
forever
thanks guys for making this happen the way it has

iced tall vanilla latte,
i still love you the most
with all of my heart
enjoyed "closer" moment today

Fuzzy Wuzzy

My nice friend Iced CM has too many hamster at home
she said she will give me two of the baby ones
i thot abt what to name them for really long until
i settled on calling one Fuzzy and the other, Wuzzy
yesterday morning...
"Pam!one of the hamsters ran away..."
so she only gave me Fuzzy

just now...
"Pam,Fuzzy and Wuzzy are at my house!"
"Huh?"
for a moment i thot my Fuzzy ran away, but by logical reasoning
Fuzzy couldn't have ran from my house to hers
so i waited for an explanation to her queer statement
"i gave u the wrong hamster. i gave u shannon.
and Wuzzy didn't run away...
it was hiding in the sawdust"

i love You, more than life

"How can it be
Scars in Your hands for me..
And i love You
More than life"

Training wasn't too good
Many reasons
Many thoughts running through my head
Until i looked up in the sky for one moment
and felt His love pour down over me
Then i knew...
I knew i was too special to Daddy
just too special

power of the tongue

today at youth service
deacon preached on the power of the tongue
the negative things people say to you can break your spirit
my spirit is broken
so i am determined to keep listening to sermon tapes
and hear what God has to say to me instead
Iced CM has been telling me to confess the right things
"it is always easier to complain" she says
"today's sermon is for you!"
amen

on a lighter note:
during our comms presentation today
one girl's topic was "the in-laws"
her starting statement was "some of you might have already known,
i've been married for 16 months..."
she's my age.

then i told my friend, Cafe Latte, about it and her response was
"is she married to a guy?"
she then clarified her statement and said that some girl in her year
got married to another girl sometime this year at a chalet
and invited friends

two pieces of news like this is too much for me to handle in one day

just for sung:
i love you
always

Mach is alive!

last night, steph unknowingly sent me a virus
i dont blame u steph
those buggers who have nothing else to do but create viruses ought to rot
mach(my laptop) was terribly sick so i brought him to the doctor (CIT)
they couldnt cure mach cuz they said his model is too new
so i called fujitsu and they said they'll reformat him for $50
one of the doctors suggested i tried it myself at home with some disk
before sending mach to the specialists
so i did

guess what?
mach's fine now!
i saved him!
im so happy!

but here's what i've concluded:
fujitsu must have sent the virus
so that they can charge me $50 for inserting a disk that i possess, into mach
and make it seem like they're the computer whizzes
chay!

*special thanks to shuffle for helping back up my documents;
what would i do without your 1 gig of memory space?
and eunice who waited with me for the doctors to diagnose mach's problem

festive: merry & joyous

i think i dislike chinese new year the most
just discussed with cheryl about not so particularly liking CNY
but now i've concluded it's my least favourite festive season
everything about CNY is rigid
the prices of food, the clothes you wear
the things you cannot do,
the words you cannot say...
and i'm sad today
(one of those feelings you cannot feel during CNY)
the only saving grace about CNY is the food,
which you can eat on almost every other day in the same quantities.

conclusion: CNY doesn't qualify to be a festive season.

new cat on the block

i love cats.
i name the cats around my place
so far there's
tommy,dilly n sleep-awake who's called sleep-awake because
he was sleeping,i thought he was tommy,so i called "tommy..."
and it scared him.

today,i saw a new cat on the block
told my mom
"mom,that's a new cat on the block"
"ya,this saturday got meet the MP session,
let Goh Chok Tong know."

*just for the record,the new cat's name is new-cat*

pink gets me high as a kite

michaela said i was uncool just now
because i was listening to hillary duff's "coming clean"
i explained it was because hillary duff did a cover
and i like it but i don't know who the original singer is.
so i searched the web for the singer to prove to her that im not uncool
but i found only one singer to that song
hillary duff.
sniff.
i must be psychic.
i heard the song even before she sang it.

anyway, cheryl made my day by saying, "pam,you're so pink"
i asked her if she meant literally, figuratively or what?
"literally, it's a compliment"
so now im happy.
which reminds me that eunice said i was easy to please
because i was so delighted when she sent me a birthday cake emoticon over msn
won't you be trigger happy if someone sent u a birthday cake emoticon?

sheep theory

i came up with a theory in j1:
the people u fall for usually look like u

my classmates were so amazed by my theory
cuz they really saw the resemblance in couples
n even in the people their friends have crushes on

then,we grew up n stopped spotting people who look alike

today,the theory resurrects.
gina n her boyfriend,
debbie n her boyfriend,
look so much like each other.

"never outgrow your love for sunsets"

Baker's Inn

church friends gave me a surprise, which ben spoilt, today.
really sweet.
thanks guys.
i love u all.

ok,cant really see the faces...

forgive me

im gonna take this opportunity
to apologise to all my teammates
for being in such a bad mood today
that it affected the mood of the rest of you
im terribly sorry.
i love you all.

the sheep family

i love sheep so i have all these stuffed-toy sheep
kept away in boxes since i moved
and havent quite unpacked them

my sister,becky said dad,renee and her bought me something
this was what the box said:

ur entire sheep family wishes u haa-py baah-f-daa-y

when i opened the box...

finally 21

today's my 21st.
started a blog before but something happened
so i decided to shut it down
thought today mite be good to start anew

also, i was inspired by cheryl, elaine and jac's sites
claps

ive always been afraid to keep records of my thoughts n feelings
never had privacy at home
so it's rather scary to know that the security of what belongs to you
is being robbed by the people you're keeping them from